TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely outside of put. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let us have Yet another place in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really prevent working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental Trump Tower Damascus groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down service."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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